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I’m Not A Cook

Unlike my man Richard Nixon (I’m not really sure why I just refered to him as “my man”…just go with it), I’m not afraid to admit the truth. I’m not a cook. I obviously do well enough to keep myself alive, but I definitely have a lot to learn. What 29-year-old dude doesn’t need a lesson in the kitchen?

Ultimately, I’m inexperienced. My mom always had a nice, hot meal ready for me when I was growing up and I survived by eating frat food and Top Ramen when I was in college. I hate to admit it, but I’ve lived off of fast food or Hot Pockets (or whatever other quick meal I could find at the grocery store) for long time now. Cooking food every night is new to me.

Here are a few stories to show you how much of a rookie I am:

I received a Crock-Pot as a Christmas present last year. Do you know how many times I’ve used it since December? Once. That one time happened on Monday. Slow cookers are supposed to make things simple (and it really did), but I still messed up (welcome to my world). This is how it all shook out:

Since it was my maiden journey, I tried the easiest thing I could think up. I used two hand-trimmed chicken breasts, a bunch of broccoli, cauliflower, and zucchini, and I covered it all in chicken broth. It was my own creation, so I wasn’t sure how long to cook it. I set it on low when I left for work (around 3:30pm) and turned it off when I got home (around midnight). It cooked for waaaaaaayyyyy toooooooo long. The vegetables were extremely soggy. To top it all off, the chicken was so tender (the only thing I did right) that it fell apart in my hands and on to the floor. Needless to say, the ten-second rule (I couldn’t pick it all up in five seconds) came into play.

I didn’t get around to eating my masterpiece (or lack thereof) until last night. The veggies were tasty (although very soft) and the chicken was really bland. I had to combine meat and vegetables on every bite, so I could get through it. I really think it could be a good meal with a little less cooking and a lot more seasoning. I’ll give it a shot again sometime and tell you how it goes.

That’s not my only cooking failure in the last couple of days. I baked some salmon early in the day on Monday, but I didn’t get around to it until my dinner break. I am a firm believer that salmon, much like revenge, is best served cold. There’s just much more flavor. Anyway, I started eating my fillet and about halfway through I realized that I didn’t cook it well enough. The middle was still bright pink. I thought I was going to get food poisoning for sure. To make matters worse, I put the salmon in the microwave in hopes of cooking it all the way through (an amateur move, I know) and it splattered all over the place. That was fun to clean up! 

I’m starting to remember why I avoided cooking for so long. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place though (I needed to squeeze in a cheesy cliche somewhere). I have to do it if I want to be successful in my fitness quest.

One thing I can’t mess up is sandwiches, but unfortunately I’m taking a break from bread for now. As an alternative, I created my own high protein/low carb snack. Get ready for another wonderful recipe…although many of you will probably look at this with disgust:


Eight slices of lunch meat
Two pickle spears (I’ve also used four pepperoncini peppers before)
1/2 cup of cottage cheese


Place two pieces of lunch meet on top of each other (they’ll act as a tortilla) in four different stacks. Put cottage cheese in the middle of each stack. Cut the pickle spears in half and place them on top of the cottage cheese. Roll and eat. You can add some pepper if you want.

Nutrition Facts (based on the stuff that I have at my house)

190 calories, 23 grams of protein, 8.5 grams of fat (you can use much healthier lunch meat…I will next time), and only 5 carbs

It’s obviously not something you’ll see Bobby Flay making anytime soon, but give it a shot and tell me what you think. I like it, but I also realize it’s not for everyone.

I don’t want to make you think I’m a complete klutz. I’m really good with a barbaque grill, I make killer scrambled eggs, and I have no problem cooking chicken or pasta. We used to have Monday Night Football parties at my house (I had Mondays off when was working weekends) and I typically made all of the food. To steal my own thunder, dinner usually consisted of sloppy joes, tacos, or something else simple (nothing to really brag about). I also make something I called “mush” (an appealing name, eh?), but I’ll save that recipe for another day.

That’s the latest from my world. What’s going on with you?

I’m always excited to hear from you. You can leave a comment below, email me at tim@timlewissports.com, or send me a note on Twitter @TLKREM2 or @lewissports (I really need to get this account rolling again).

Have a great day!

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